| How do you fight loneliness? |
[01 Mar 2004|12:01am] |
It has been quite a while since I last updated my journal, but I’m going to try and get back into the habit of writing again because, if nothing else, it is good therapy. The last time I updated was in early January, a week before the second semester, of my sophomore year. I’m hesitant to say that I’ve matured in the last two months, primarily because I’m not sure mature is exactly the right word.
To much has happened between the first week of January and the last day in February. One of my friends is married, congratulations Daria and Nate, and another just got engaged, may God bless you Matt and Aisha. A handful of my friends have found themselves in wonderful relationships with people they deeply admire, and I pray that they continue to love each other for a long time. A few midterms here and there, a handful of new faces in my life, and a lot more music constantly being downloaded on my computer.
Next year I will, most likely, be studying in a small university sixty miles outside of Tokyo. That’s a one thousand dollar plane ticket between me and everyone who defines me. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t completely terrified, but the reason, I’ve come to understand, isn’t as obvious.
An entire school year in a foreign country with only two years of language training, some people might be scared even thinking about it, but I’m rather comfortable with the idea. The issue that petrifies me is the time spent apart from those I Love. The entire year of activities I will not be part of, the entire year of conversations I might miss out because we are in different time zones, the concerts, the visits, a random night spend on a blanket reading poetry or playing at a park. I’m terrified that when I return I will be an outsider, I will not understand an entire year worth of inside jokes, or know whose married to who. I’m scared of losing those I Love.
I wouldn’t say I’ve matured in the last couple of months, rather become more selfish. Seeking every possible opportunity possible to spend with those I love and creating memories for them, but more importantly me, to help preserve my life inside their hearts. It’s not like I’m going to go to japan and sit in my room the entire year. Of course I will be outside at the dance clubs and meeting new people, learning the culture, falling in love with the people and land. But right now, living with the people around me, I am content and happy and I thank them for it by loving them in my special way. I just hope when I come back we can walk together and teach each other what we’ve learned in the past year apart.
On some nights, I pray to God to make me type of man you could fall in love with.
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| Happy New Year and what not |
[04 Jan 2004|02:46pm] |
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mood |
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Need HOMEWORK! |
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music |
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The Cure - Love Song |
] |
I’ve been in a Cure mood, whatever that entails, for the past week. Actually it’s a combination of The Cure, Simon and Garfunkel, “Fly me to the Moon” by Frank Sinatra, and “12:51" by The Strokes. I’m going to stray from the usual four, five paragraph post and keep this one short.
Every persons main objective is to obtain a certain level of happiness whether through a love relationship, friendship, achieving high academic marks, succeeding in a quest, and so on. Whatever the medium, the deciding factor, which defines the moment as happiness, is ultimately You. Since we are human we tend to cling to happiness and convince ourselves that that’s it. And at the moment it might just be, And if time didn’t flow it would Be supreme happiness, But it doesn’t work that way. We lose friends, we make new ones; we fall in Love, we find Love; we laugh, we cry; we fail, we succeed. I’m not saying being content with what makes you happy right now is ignorant, in fact living the Now is the most important aspect of Life. The message I wish to convey is that no one experience can sustain time and our own mental/spiritual/physical evolution. There is no reason that we can’t share the same happiness with our high school friends, and the friends made at college. There is no reason we can’t feel the same Love toward the black haired girl in poetry class or the blonde in sociology. To experience happiness one has to first live in the Now, and second realize that the experience will not last thus not taking it for granted and not regretting anything later.
Well then, rereading that paragraph has made me realize just how confusing my thoughts are. Oh well =)
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| All I have to do is dream |
[14 Nov 2003|01:05am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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Dreams are a funny thing. It’s difficult to pin point the exact second we realize something is a dream (be it romantic, occupational, or material) yet we do a darn good job of convincing ourselves that the dreams we have constructed are the absolute definition of a perfect life. I’ve been neglecting my journal for the last month partly because of my busy schedule but primarily because I was too lazy to sit down and type. Now let me get back to my original thought.
A medium built, long haired brunette with a Love for Life, that is my dream woman. Working at a prestigious university teaching and writing poetry, that is my dream job. Dreams are synonymous with our perception of a perfect existence. Part of being human is having dreams. I’d even say that it is healthy. Every race needs a finish line otherwise there would be no reason to work, study, and improve yourself through other mediums. But there are points in our lives when dreams collapse.
I have a preconstructed picture of my dream woman, but what if I meet a short blonde of average intelligence, who I have very little in common with, but for some reason she finds me irresistible? Do I sit down and reference my idea of the perfect female and start marking off points for her short comings or do I throw my dream aside and see where the relationship takes me?
The intelligent thing would be to pursue a relationship with the woman, just as long a flicker of emotion exists between us. Sure she might not have been the ideal girlfriend I imagined in ninth grade but I constructed that dream before I meet her. This example can be used with almost anything. For instance, my freshman year I wanted to be a computer programmer. I convinced myself that I would sit down and program for as long as my eyes were open. A year later I find myself majoring in English and dreaming of becoming a poet / English teacher.
I guess the point I would like to get across is that dreams are nothing more than placeholders. How many people in this world actually achieve their original dream? My guess would be less than .5 percent. But does that mean that the 99.5 percent of the world whose dreams didn’t come true are miserable? Not at all, because a large majority of them found a better existence. Consider your friends. My current group of friends are far from my idea of a perfect friendship but I would give my Life for them.
Dreams are a way of making the future less obscure and gives a reason to Live in the Now. I work, study, and write because these things, as I believe now, will help me on my path to my dreams, but there will come a time (I promise you we will all experience them) when I will be given a chose. Do I stay true to a dream I constructed in my youth or have faith, in whatever force drives us, that my Life will be more happy, more adventurous, more perfect than I could have ever dreamed.
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| To my Future Girlfriend (wherever you are): |
[01 Oct 2003|06:14pm] |
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mood |
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 hopeful |
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The better I understand my condition, the clearer it becomes that my personality is a handicap. Yet, I still dream that my prayers transcend these romanceless quarters and land in the Lords lap. Now all that is left lays on the shoulders of faith, that he will one day feel pity for this ignoble soul.
What is my purpose in Life: “I want to know that I deserve the woman I Love. It doesn’t necessarily imply the power of purchase, rather the knowledge that my arms are strong enough, my palms callused enough, and that my fingers, covered in ink, have bled enough.”
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| What the Hell am I talking about here? |
[01 Sep 2003|11:45pm] |
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mood |
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tired |
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Arrows, every road I take is infested with them. An equilibrium triangle attached to a rectangle destined to reveal direction until the end of time. But time leaves nothing stagnant, not even simple geometry. The universally accepted shape has infiltrated language and has been sketched onto paper in the form of Laws. Natural, Societal, Universal Laws which become harder to decipher and change as we begin to accept our fate.
“Women like the Jerk”, “Love isn’t a movie”, “Just be yourself”, “two plus two equals five”, “g equals 9.2": all these are signs on a road without a speed limit, rarely am prepared for the acute turns. I was never that good at chutes and ladders either I’d always manage to stumble back to the beginning, I blame following directions for my failure. Every game has its own set of directions.
Meeting Women
------------------------
1) Meet a girl.
2) Speak with Girl.
3) If interested commence with flirting mode.
4) Be confident and inquire if she is doing anything tonight.
5) If she refuses, thank her for her time and leave.
6) If she accepts, thank her for her time and leave after scheduling a date.
Road to Success
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1) Study hard
2) Study harder
3) You’re not studying hard enough if you are reading #3
4) Value no one except yourself
5) Love means nothing, She is only a casual fuck.
6) Continue studying
I take the same road to school every morning at the same time. If the same parking space were open, I’d probably park there everyday as well. The world outside my room always looks the same, the only thing that changes is the sky. I find myself surround by Arrows all pointing me to where Life wants me to go, I wonder when I first turned onto this road? No matter, I think I see another sign ahead: “Next Exit Eight Years Down the Road”. Fuck it I think I’ll pull over and start walking.
I was never good with talking to people, they have a difficult time trying to figure me out. The directions demand that we constantly ‘figure’ each other out. If a man exists that has himself figured out, I would gladly shake his hand and sell my soul to him. Acceptance is rarely found in any set of directions. “If you don’t like the present, then do something to change it”; “If people don’t like you, change yourself”; “If you don’t like a policy, act like a bitch and mention how much you hate it every time it comes up in a conversation”. Why is Acceptance such a hard feat? Because no arrow points to it. We have been taught that in everything there must be a winner and a loser, but NOTHING is a GAME!!!! Our Humanity has made every aspect of our lives a game. “What time did you wake up? oh! I woke up earlier than you”. “How much do you weigh? Oh! I weigh less”.
There are no rules for the those who accept the present, Time leaves nothing stagnant. Tomorrow I will wake up at the same time, try and park in the same spot, and go to the same Tuesday classes. But, they are just the rest stops on a road being constructed before my eyes too fresh to have any road signs, while the majority of the population is sandwiched in traffic following someone else’s directions.
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[01 Sep 2003|12:34am] |
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Joyeous day, my internet is working again. I have absolutely no idea what to do now... I only go to three websites and I don't feel like signing on AIM to talk because I know I'll probably end up in a three hour conversation with someone and I'm pretty tired. *sigh* I'm going to go read a few poems and then head to bed... I'll talk more later.
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| I am only a Man |
[29 Aug 2003|04:30pm] |
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mood |
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happy |
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music |
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Exploding Hearts - I'm a Pretender |
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Today has been a pretty awesome day at least when I think about the weather. I woke up today at the usual time, 7:15 a.m. and only after opening the door did I realize it was raining like a mother fucker. My first stop of the day was at the University Bookstore to fork over twenty dollars for a Purdue (yellow and black) umbrella. I wonder if time actually slows down when it's raining? except I enjoy all my classes way too much, they feel like they last for only a few minutes. Now, something completely different a pop quiz :)
Q: What is the best part of rainy days at college?
a) It is a relief from the smoldering desert climate known as Monday through Thursday.
b) The smell of the freshly showered Earth.
c) Another reason to stay inside studying and completing homework.
d) Watching beautiful women walking around without an umbrella soaked, sexy, and stemming hot.
Women, eunics, and steve would pick a,b,or c. I and the rest of the heterosexual male population would immediately circle d. There is just something about a wet woman that makes them ten times more attractive. I think it's because of their wet hair and how the water trails the contours of their bodies until the droplet disappears into the cloth *sigh*.
Now for some bragging (I think I deserve it, but I'm sure Nick is going to eat me out for this next bit). I began this summer weighing in at around 220 lbs. Around late June, early July, I began lifting with Chuck and running on my own. I weighed myself last night after racquetball and found I weigh 180 lbs.. Yup, I lost forty pounds this summer and apparently I'm not done yet. It's always amusing to see people stare at me for a few minutes before they approach because they have trouble recognizing me. I'm also amused by the amount of girls that throw little glaces and smiles as I pass, I just wish they had some dimension to their personalities. I've met too many retarded women this year already, just by randomly speaking with them or at the different frats I visit when I'm bored and want to talk to some old friends. Anyone have any idea's where the worthwhile women hang out?
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| I am much smarter than the average jackel. |
[27 Aug 2003|11:34pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
] |
Not much to say... been studying a lot and working out, not to mention my internet is still down. *sigh* I am alone in the library at 11:35 I enjoy the silence. An odd moment in the day occured when I saw a girl in the weight-room wearing a Pink shirt that had Pink Mafia written on the back. I think it's because it's been a while since I have seen someone wear a bright pink shirt, it was a welcomed suprise though. Soon enough I shall have my internet up, but until then I'm stuck reading and becoming healthy.
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| It reminds me of my youth |
[26 Aug 2003|09:07pm] |
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mood |
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 aggravated |
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music |
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"When the Snowman Learned to Love" by Stars |
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Jesus, it has been a long time since I last updated this journal but I do have a valid excuse. Ever since that blaster wurm bullshit the place where I live has shut down their server because of all the people infected. They sent out a CD a few days ago which had fixes for a few viruses circulating the web. Of course, many people are lazy and didn't run these programs so I am still left internet-less. This is the first time I have been online for a little over a week. I have a few e-mails I need to send out but I have been unable. I pray to God they get my internet back up later this week, I would really hate to come back to campus every night to do my homework. I would say more right now but I need to go write a five page Critical Literary Analysis on "The Cask of Amatillado" by Edgar Allen Poe.
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| Is this thing on? |
[15 Aug 2003|02:26am] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
] |
It's been almost four weeks since I've last been on the internet. In that time I have been enjoying my life, and finding the inspiration that I've been searching for this entire summer. This past week I found myself in Boston and I must say, what a fabulous place. Seriously I've never been more happy in a city than in Boston. Just a beautiful city with such a wide range of culture. Not to mention really cheap book stores.
I did a lot during the trip which I do not have the will to write about right now but I must say that Jackie and Anique are lucky to have such a tremendous city near them.
Oh, and I did get the chance to see all the colleges in the area including
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| When work gets boring I'll write a shitty poem! |
[04 Aug 2003|11:44am] |
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mood |
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 thirsty |
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Candles lit dim, a Christian home
Decorated colored glass, flowed to the floor.
Two families joined, by the arms of fate
Watch with the angels, a bond before sin.
A lifeless path, except for one
Woman dressed in white, brilliant as the sun.
She wore a smile behind white gauze
Flowers in one hand, father around arm.
Eyes forced the most unwilling head to turn
The floor clapped melodies underneath her sole
Music sang through organ pipes, built long ago
Silenced, the moment the lovers were joined.
Women wept, and children slept, while lovers forgetting how to blink,
Stared into each others face, making a promise
To protect each other, even if the world begins to sink.
Empty faces immediately smiled as the large hymnal closed
lovers lips joined giving breathe to empty pipes.
The father dressed in black slowly raised his hands
Commanding ‘Scurry off lovers, go and live your Life’
As they fumbled through the aisle
Women jumped, children laughed, and I sat back and smiled.
Thinking to myself and dreaming of the day
I stand before God himself,
proclaiming this Love to my wife.
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| I'll swim through your tears and into your heart |
[04 Aug 2003|10:10am] |
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mood |
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 exhausted |
] |
The last three days have been hectic and exhausting. I moved into my new living quarters in West Lafayette Friday afternoon. I didn’t have a chance to speak with our neighbors but they seem like alright guys, it is a shame they aren’t beautiful single women in search of the romantic intellectual guy. Anyway, weekend in a couple of sentences. I watched American Wedding (Good Movie); talked about the matrix and how it relates to theology with a few of my brothers friends; and played a lot of Diablo II and magic the gathering with Lee Coduti’s younger cousin Nick (what a great guy).
I learned this weekend that I’m still as ignorant as ever. I have found that I am wrong about 90 percent of the time, and in all honesty I’m very proud of that trait. It wasn’t until later in high school that I began ‘becoming smart’ if there is such a thing. I guess I like being wrong because when the time arrives that I’m right, what a joyous occasion it is. Plus you will never see me make the same mistake twice, unless it’s with women but that’s completely different, that’s because I’m a moron.
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| Hitler should have gone into the automotive industry. |
[31 Jul 2003|09:19am] |
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mood |
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Walking Corpse |
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Every time I find myself in morning traffic I am reminded of how much I despise not sleeping at least eight hours. It leaves a heavy taste in my mouth that I am lead to believe is the condensation of my exhausted chi. I find myself not passing on chances to rest my eyes for a few seconds, in between pumping my brake and praying I don’t hit someone. Thank the Lord Jesus that I only have two more days in this circle of hell, and then I’m off to Purgatory.
Today I need to write a few e-mails. In the past seven years that I’ve been using a computer, I’ve probably written ten e-mails five of which will be this week.
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| If you had friends like mine, you too could become immortal |
[29 Jul 2003|07:38am] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
] |
“I hope I have cool adventures like you with my roommates next year! Snowball wars in the winter. I am seriously SO excited!! Are u excited for school?” – Anique
My second semester of college is just around the corner, and I can’t be more excited. Reminiscing about my first semester, I realized how much happened to impact my Life in ways I could not imagine. One of the more important blessings I’ve had was the privilege to begin a friendship with Steve. I practically owe my Academic success and enthusiasm to him and the great example he has provided. Not to mention the incredible conversations we’ve had while sitting outside Tarkington (a dorm at Purdue). I remember one night at Lee’s house Zach began preaching about how my group of friends are good at everything we do because we ‘Hate’. He continued to say He hates his Life (in a joking tone), Tommy hates his girlfriend, Nick hates himself, and I hate failure. I don’t think he understands how true that is. I hate failing, not myself, but my friends and those which I love (this includes all my friends). When I arrived at Purdue most of my friends began to cruise the party scene, straying away from responsibility and academics. I almost fell into the same trap, but two people gave me another option, Steve and Lee Coduti. Even though Stephen and I don’t agree on a majority of topics, such as the top 20 movies of all time and more importantly Love I still respect everything he says to the point that if someone asks me about my opinion on such topics I give both mine and his (with credit to him of course). Anyway… I’m sure he’ll repute everything I’ve said but don’t ever listen to him, he’s a great guy not to mention the reason I’m doing so well (if you can say that about a 3.2 GPA, no worries though it should turn into at least a 3.5 before the end of next year).
With the upcoming year Steve will be in Minnesota for the first semester completing his CO-OP requirements for Nuclear Engineering. Good bless AIM (which I plan to actually be on during college, even though I won’t be near the screen at least I’ll be logged in). I believe I have a job lined up as a Library Liaison for next year which should help pay rent and concert tickets. I really miss the Bible Study guys and am excited to hear what they did over the break, and I have word that Conrad has found a girlfriend which he believes is ‘The One’ (Praying works wonders).
So, to answer Anique’s question about next year I’d say that I’m rather excited for the upcoming semester. I will most likely meet some interesting people, some of which I hope are women. This might be the year I take the large leap as a writer and begin work on a longer project, as well as initiate relationships with professors and other writers. But most importantly I am looking forward to strengthening friendships and hopefully making them last.
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| Your Levity is Good it relieves tension and fear of DEATH |
[28 Jul 2003|09:53am] |
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It is almost August and which means I have to finalize some plans most of which involve moving into the house this weekend. I shall not bore you with such mundane details, it makes me yawn just thinking about it. Other than that I had an average weekend in which I conjured an amazing plan.
Our small town recently built a Vietnam Veterans Memorial in the middle of nowhere. It’s a decent memorial with various WWII machines, moats, and hills. So I suggested we dress up like army commando’s and play out a war. To make it more realistic we would buy fireworks and make smoke bombs. Naturally we would do this late at night, to decrease the chance of getting arrested.
Other than that I’d say the high point was running somewhere in between 3 and four miles on Saturday and of course hanging out with Courtney.
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[25 Jul 2003|03:14pm] |
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mood |
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 awake |
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music |
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Wilco - Jesus Etc. |
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“Why waste all your money on make-up when all you have to do is put my dick in your mouth and then you’ll become the most beautiful woman in the world”.
-Bobby Schmiedl
Umm yeah, there isn’t too much I can say to disprove that statement.
To hold your hand
To kiss your lips
To breathe your air
And smell your hair.
To see the world that you see
While we sit cheek to cheek
That is what I have planned
If Destiny, ever lets us meet
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| BYOB the second B is for Blood |
[23 Jul 2003|11:27am] |
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music |
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The Minus Five |
] |
Yesterday was Tommy’s Birthday BBQ. It has been a while since the last time I stepped foot into his home but I was happy to be back. We first watched a few episodes of Family Guy and then played some football on his front lawn. I love it when we play football, you never know how bad the injuries will be (By the way, we play all out no blood no foul Die motherfucker football). Fortunately I only got a black eye and a bump on my head, Zach got a goose egg on the side of his skull complements of my forehead, and I believe Tommy severely twisted his ankle (he was unable to walk last night).
On a good note, the black eye really makes me look like a hard ass. I hope it never heals, even though it hurts when I try and close it.
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| If I had a time machine... I'd go back and kick you in the balls! |
[22 Jul 2003|10:45am] |
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mood |
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 anxious |
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music |
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Wilco |
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I spend a lot of time day-dreaming about my future and to tell you the truth I am terrified of it. My currently plan for life is to pursue a career as an English professor, but I have no idea where to start. The first year of college was spent wasting academic credits working toward, what I thought, at the time was what I wanted. Now I find myself sitting on a 3.2 GPA holding onto credits in programming and computer courses; looking toward a future in English. The credits I have, many of which won’t transfer, have placed me in a rather funky predicament.
Once again I believe I will change my majors. Instead of Computer Graphics and Creative Writing I will pursue a dual major in English and Creative Writing with minors in Computer Programming, Computer Graphics, and Japanese. I sometimes feel like a woman when can’t decide what she really wants, but then again I never planned for some of the things that happened last year to affect my Life at such a magnitude. I e-mailed a counselor to request a private session with her so I may explain my situation to her, and hear the advice she is supposed to have.
To pile more onto my shoulders, I am anxious about my honors courses. I didn’t have the chance to take any in the previous year which means I have to take two or three a semester. There is a light shining at the other end of the tunnel, which is proof that I can endure twenty-one credit hours (even though I almost had a nervous breakdown at the end). Seeing that I will never have to take math again, and all I will be doing is reading and writing I think I can do it again (at least once, if not twice, but I’m aiming for three semesters). Even so, Things tend to work out for me especially when it has to do with academics, but I still hate the feeling in the pit of my stomach every time I think about my future.
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| This Round is on Me |
[21 Jul 2003|09:08am] |
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mood |
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ecstatic |
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music |
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Bonnie Prince Billy - "I See a Darkness" |
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This weekend six friends and I drove down to Bloomington (Indiana University Campus) to visit another friend. Nick and I didn’t get down until 9:30 p.m. on Friday but upon entering the small apartment the weekend memories began. Tommy, Joe, Karl, and Zach were already smashed on the hundred dollars of hard liquor Bobby bought for our visit. Neither Nick nor I drink but since it was such a joyous occasion we had our share spirits. The unforgettable stories that came out of Friday nights drunken fiesta include Zach pissing himself and ranting about some seventeen year old chick, and Tommy almost having sex with this three hundred pound woman (thank GOD I have friends with some sense), later going into a monologue about how he is incapable of loving and is tired of all the sex he has, followed immediately by him throwing up.
The room we slept in was no bigger than my room at home, but we managed to fit eight people in it. Nick and Joe slept in the closet, Lou and I slept on the bed, Karl on an inflatable raft in the bathroom, Zach in the bath tub, and Tommy and Bobby on the floor.
We got to bed around five in the morning, but I woke up around 10 to run for a few miles. Besides Nick, Karl, and I everyone else felt like complete shit in the morning.
The above was all in the first twelve hours of my visit to Bloomington. The trip also helped remind me how much I miss college. It’s funny how much inspiration I derive from just being there; I think it might be all the unbelievably attractive women. I also miss the Von’s record store; there is no better feeling than buying four CD’s for less than fifty dollars.
The ending of my weekend seemed a bit surreal; it felt like the ending of a really good movie that just makes you smile. I drove around town listing to the song ‘Death to Everyone’ by Bonnie ‘Prince’ Billy (if you can’t find it try searching under Will Oldham), while air was cool and thin and lighting lit the sky.
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| I love it when you stab me in the back |
[17 Jul 2003|03:38pm] |
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mood |
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 quixotic |
] |
Alright, same drill as last time. I appreciated the feedback on the last poem and have been working on my flow. I believe I did a better job with this poem but I still want you guys to just destroy it for me. I really half assed the ending, because I ran out of ideas and time. and on that note rape me.
( Destroy this poem )
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nubius's journal